Tae A Selfie (A “broad Scots” poem inspired by the work of Robert Burns).

(Oan takin’ a hunner fur Facebook an’ postin’ when pished).

Oh my Goad, am feelin’ great;
Aff tae the dance flair tae gyrate.
Oor kitchen’s lookin’ like a sea
Of glam an’ glitter.
Am clingin’ tae ma bevvy ticht
In case a slitter.

Sippin’ oan ma rum an’ juice;
A must admit, am feelin’ loose,
And dinnae wahnt tae hink aboot
The morra’s heid.
A pray an’ hope ah’ll be jist fine
Efter a feed.

Am lookin’ smashin; whit a stunner!
A drain ma gless doon in a wunner
An’ noo a really feel the need
Tae stert the show;
Grabbin’ ma wee phone fur snaps;
We’re gid tae go.

A summon aw ma lassies through
An’ switch the camera tae front view;
An staun’ an’ gee ma ginger loacks
A soart and fix.
We huddle roon’ an’ wait tae hear
The fast wee clicks.

A shuffle roon’ an’ change ma stance;
We dae some shoats an’ huv a dance,
A feel ma face is braw enough
Fur its ane shoot.
A stagger up and git a pal;
Am pished, nae doot.

Then in the moarn we congregate
An’ wae deep breaths we face oor fate,
An’ try tae fin’ oot whit the Hell
We hink wint oan.
A drag ma erse oot of ma pit
An’ check ma phone.

But then wan photie gee’s me fright;
There must jist no huv bin gid light.
“Git that oaf; ah look like shite!”
Ah flap an’ plead.
But a ken there’s jist nae point;
It’s oan “News Feed”.

There’s mare oanline, a look sae silly;
Am staunin’ wae a blow-up wullie,
Ma cross-eyed heid is gazin’
Intae time an’ space.
Aw shite, ah cannae quite believe
This fine disgrace.

A scrabble tae git them awa’
But hawf ma freens huv seen them aw,
An’ noo a wish a hudnae been
Sae bloody steamin’.
Here come the comments fae ma maw;
Ma cheeks are beamin’.


164 thoughts on “Tae A Selfie (A “broad Scots” poem inspired by the work of Robert Burns).

    • Hahaha! Aw, thanks a lot ^_^ Sorry for the late reply – thought I’d thanked everyone who left a comment, but it turns out I’d missed a few people.

    • Thank you!! ^_^ I know, it’s been absolutely mental – I can’t get my head around any of it! Thanks again, and sorry for the late reply – thought I’d thanked everyone who left a comment, but it turns out I’d missed a few people.

  1. This had me howlin’ – so funny and made me reminisce about great liquid nights out wi’ pals in the 80s and 90s …So glad there were no mobiles or digital cameras then as reminders are cringeworthy enough!!! Hysterical, made ny day :)

    • Hahaha! Yep, unfortunately now all drunken antics are immortalised by photographic evidence! Thanks, glad you liked it! ^_^

    • Aww, thanks so much! ^_^ I’m absolutely honoured that people are actually reading my poem out at Burns suppers; it’s just fantastic.

  2. This rings so true! You have caught the tone so well. You don’t just follow Burns’s rhyme pattern mechanically but bend it to real speech – he would have liked that :)

  3. Brilliant! You’ve really captured the situation of ‘well it seemed like a good idea at the time’ that I’m sure many of us have been through thanks to the demon drink. I’m a sassenach but I spent some very happy times working in Scotland, so I understand the highland-speak. Which reminds me – if you guys vote for independence, would you mind moving Hadrian’s Wall to just below Yorkshire so we can join you – we’d like to be independent from Westminster and it’s southern-based politics as well.

    • Aaah, I just watched it! That was hilarious haha!! You’re a brilliant performer – I wish I could have been like that when I read it out at a Burns supper in Glasgow on Saturday there; terrific! ^_^ It’s such an honour to know people have actually performed my poem, thanks so much.

      • Thank YOU for wonderful poetry! I feel like you have totally revitalised a genre and brought it bang up to date with the selfie idea! Burns would be proud! I found a lot of parallels between your poem and To a Louse – both feature girls who are possibly a bit too full of themselves and come with the underpinning message of discovering, in hindsight, their disgrace or embarrassment. Looking forward to reading your book of poetry one day!
        All the best,
        Sophie x
        P.S great surname!

      • Aww thank you haha!! ^_^ I’m so pleased people have liked it, the response to it has just been insane ^_^ Haha, aah that’s right actually, I didn’t think of that! Aw, thanks again, I’d love to write a book someday – that would be another wee dream come true hahaha. All the best to you too ^_^

        Yesss haha! If only I could be as brave as Wullie Wallace! x

  4. I think it’s great! You must keep writing! Played an officers’ mess Burns Night a couple of days ago and I expect there were a few embarrassing moments caught on camera then, though no inflatable willies sadly! I wish I could read it in the dialect.

  5. Sorry for butting in on your conversation girls …. But both Lorna’s poem and Sophie’s recitation are absolutely brilliant. Hope we don’t have to wait too long for the book Lorna. Everybody loves a good laugh.

    • Not at all ^_^ I know, it’s fantastic! I can’t believe people have read the poem out, and to see someone performing it like Sophie did was terrific ^_^

    • Thank you! ^_^

      Haha, the word “slitter” means to spill something, food, drink or other, down yourself.

      “Stick a bib oan that wean in case he slitters”.

  6. As an expat we still have our Burns Night here in Crete..love Burns..love your poetry..keep it up and keep us smiling! Issie Mc Lean.

  7. Just found this as I was looking for something to read at the UNESCO “Mother Language Day” at the Belarusian community in London next Sat. Just the thing. They like a bevvy as weel!

  8. I’ve just heard this on a Radio 4 programme about “Scotland’s Second Language”.I tuned thinking it was about Gaelic!(I’m of Hebridean origin).I thoroughly enjoyed the programme,especially your contribution which I have shared on Facebook.

    • Thank you! : D I’d never been on the radio or experienced anything as surreal as hearing my own voice on it before today! Aw great stuff, thanks for your support!

  9. Heard you on the radio today and you sounded fantastic, absolutely loved your poem! Would you consider doing any recording for us?! We are an online musical collaboration, although we have a few festivals lined up and a BBC session coming up too. But it would be great to use some of your work in sound, we have an unreleased track that would suit it perfectly. You can listen and download some of the things we have done at http://www.soundcloud.com/sea-of-atoms. If not, keep up the good work, it really was amazing to hear.

    • Thanks a lot : D Haha! Wow, yeah that sounds brilliant! I’m off onto Soundcloud right now for a listen. What would a recording entail?! : D

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