Tae A Selfie (A “broad Scots” poem inspired by the work of Robert Burns).

(Oan takin’ a hunner fur Facebook an’ postin’ when pished).

Oh my Goad, am feelin’ great;
Aff tae the dance flair tae gyrate.
Oor kitchen’s lookin’ like a sea
Of glam an’ glitter.
A hawd oan tae ma bevvy ticht
In case a slitter.

Sippin’ oan ma rum an’ juice;
A must admit, am feelin’ loose,
An’ dinnae wahnt tae hink aboot
The morra’s heid.
A pray an’ hope ah’ll be jist fine
Efter a feed.

Am lookin’ smashin; whit a stunner!
A drain ma gless doon in a wunner
An’ noo a really feel the need
Tae stert the show;
Grabbin’ ma wee phone fur snaps;
We’re gid tae go.

A summon aw ma lassies through
An’ switch the camera tae front view
An’ staun’ an’ gee ma ginger loacks
A soart and fix.
We huddle roon’ an’ wait tae hear
The fast wee clicks.

A shuffle roon’ an’ change ma stance,
We dae some shoats an’ huv a dance,
A feel ma face is braw enough
Fur its ane shoot.
A stagger up and git a pal:
Am pished, nae doot.

Then in the moarn we congregate
An’ wae deep breaths we face oor fate,
An’ try tae fin’ oot whit the Hell
We hink wint oan.
A drag ma erse oot of ma pit
An’ check ma phone.

But then wan photie gees me fright;
There must jist no huv bin gid light.
“Git that aff, ah look like shite!”
Ah flap an’ plead.
But a ken there’s jist nae point;
It’s oan “News Feed”.

There’s mare oanline, a look sae silly;
Am staunin’ wae a blow-up wullie,
Ma cross-eyed heid is gazin’
Intae time an’ space.
Aw shite, ah cannae quite believe
This fine disgrace.

A scrabble tae git them awa’
But hawf ma freens huv seen them aw,
An’ noo a wish a hudnae been
Sae bloody steamin’.
Here come the comments fae ma maw;
Ma cheeks are beamin’.

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175 thoughts on “Tae A Selfie (A “broad Scots” poem inspired by the work of Robert Burns).

    • Hahaha! Aw, thanks a lot ^_^ Sorry for the late reply – thought I’d thanked everyone who left a comment, but it turns out I’d missed a few people.

    • Thank you!! ^_^ I know, it’s been absolutely mental – I can’t get my head around any of it! Thanks again, and sorry for the late reply – thought I’d thanked everyone who left a comment, but it turns out I’d missed a few people.

  1. This had me howlin’ – so funny and made me reminisce about great liquid nights out wi’ pals in the 80s and 90s …So glad there were no mobiles or digital cameras then as reminders are cringeworthy enough!!! Hysterical, made ny day :)

    • Hahaha! Yep, unfortunately now all drunken antics are immortalised by photographic evidence! Thanks, glad you liked it! ^_^

    • Aww, thanks so much! ^_^ I’m absolutely honoured that people are actually reading my poem out at Burns suppers; it’s just fantastic.

  2. This rings so true! You have caught the tone so well. You don’t just follow Burns’s rhyme pattern mechanically but bend it to real speech – he would have liked that :)

  3. Brilliant! You’ve really captured the situation of ‘well it seemed like a good idea at the time’ that I’m sure many of us have been through thanks to the demon drink. I’m a sassenach but I spent some very happy times working in Scotland, so I understand the highland-speak. Which reminds me – if you guys vote for independence, would you mind moving Hadrian’s Wall to just below Yorkshire so we can join you – we’d like to be independent from Westminster and it’s southern-based politics as well.

    • Aaah, I just watched it! That was hilarious haha!! You’re a brilliant performer – I wish I could have been like that when I read it out at a Burns supper in Glasgow on Saturday there; terrific! ^_^ It’s such an honour to know people have actually performed my poem, thanks so much.

      • Thank YOU for wonderful poetry! I feel like you have totally revitalised a genre and brought it bang up to date with the selfie idea! Burns would be proud! I found a lot of parallels between your poem and To a Louse – both feature girls who are possibly a bit too full of themselves and come with the underpinning message of discovering, in hindsight, their disgrace or embarrassment. Looking forward to reading your book of poetry one day!
        All the best,
        Sophie x
        P.S great surname!

      • Aww thank you haha!! ^_^ I’m so pleased people have liked it, the response to it has just been insane ^_^ Haha, aah that’s right actually, I didn’t think of that! Aw, thanks again, I’d love to write a book someday – that would be another wee dream come true hahaha. All the best to you too ^_^

        Yesss haha! If only I could be as brave as Wullie Wallace! x

  4. I think it’s great! You must keep writing! Played an officers’ mess Burns Night a couple of days ago and I expect there were a few embarrassing moments caught on camera then, though no inflatable willies sadly! I wish I could read it in the dialect.

  5. Sorry for butting in on your conversation girls …. But both Lorna’s poem and Sophie’s recitation are absolutely brilliant. Hope we don’t have to wait too long for the book Lorna. Everybody loves a good laugh.

    • Not at all ^_^ I know, it’s fantastic! I can’t believe people have read the poem out, and to see someone performing it like Sophie did was terrific ^_^

    • Thank you! ^_^

      Haha, the word “slitter” means to spill something, food, drink or other, down yourself.

      “Stick a bib oan that wean in case he slitters”.

  6. As an expat we still have our Burns Night here in Crete..love Burns..love your poetry..keep it up and keep us smiling! Issie Mc Lean.

  7. Just found this as I was looking for something to read at the UNESCO “Mother Language Day” at the Belarusian community in London next Sat. Just the thing. They like a bevvy as weel!

  8. I’ve just heard this on a Radio 4 programme about “Scotland’s Second Language”.I tuned thinking it was about Gaelic!(I’m of Hebridean origin).I thoroughly enjoyed the programme,especially your contribution which I have shared on Facebook.

    • Thank you! : D I’d never been on the radio or experienced anything as surreal as hearing my own voice on it before today! Aw great stuff, thanks for your support!

  9. Heard you on the radio today and you sounded fantastic, absolutely loved your poem! Would you consider doing any recording for us?! We are an online musical collaboration, although we have a few festivals lined up and a BBC session coming up too. But it would be great to use some of your work in sound, we have an unreleased track that would suit it perfectly. You can listen and download some of the things we have done at http://www.soundcloud.com/sea-of-atoms. If not, keep up the good work, it really was amazing to hear.

    • Thanks a lot : D Haha! Wow, yeah that sounds brilliant! I’m off onto Soundcloud right now for a listen. What would a recording entail?! : D

      • That’s brilliant. Recording would entail you recording a poem into a reasonable quality microphone and sending the file generated via email or drop box. If you have no mic we could use the radio 4 recording. We also have a totally different in genre side project called we are voltz. You would be most welcome to perform it with us on stage at the summer festivals the first of which is the green gathering. Hope you like. :)

      • Sorry for the late-ish reply – I’ve been trying to get into studying for Uni but despite efforts it’s still not really been happening haha.

        I had a listen to some of your Soundcloud stuff and have followed you : D I really liked “Let’s Expect”, and how you used spoken words in such a vague, chilled out way : ) Annoyingly I don’t have a mic for my laptop, but would be more than happy for you to use the radio clip/s!

        Thanks so much for offering but I’m extremely shy and usually don’t fare well with anything to do with performing etc. (the radio was terrifying although fun!). : D

        Please let me know if there’s anything else you think would fit into any of your tracks. I enjoy writing in Scots but my preferred style is actually just simple free verse : ) I love Soundcloud myself, particularly a guy called “Owsey”, who mixes speech from films with gorgeous ambient melodies and echo effects. Your tracks reminded me of that style.

      • Thanks so much for letting us use the radio 4 recording. I’ll keep you posted on developments with it. If you do ever get the use of a microphone let me know as it would be great to use some of your other work, as you have a lovely style to your writing and your voice is amazing and is exactly what we have been after for some time!

        Thanks for the follow:). Glad you liked “lets expect” I listened to to the track you sent, which I really liked, although I only listened on my phone as yet, I’m going to have a good listen when I get home and check out the other tracks. I like the ethereal textured sound, I have a track very similar in style.
        No worries about performing, it thought it would be great it you fancied it, and if you change your mind…it wood be good.
        Thanks again
        Dave

    • Hi there! I’m doing great thanks, hope you are too ^_^ Aaah, it’s absolutely brilliant haha. Thanks again for getting it out there on YouTube! It’s surreal hearing it being performed and in such an enthusiastic way haha : D I really wish I had your confidence. xxx

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