Tam O’Chunder

Wee Tam wis chuffed, his face wis bricht;
He’d hud a cracker eh a nicht,
Knoackin’ back the Jagerbombs
Wi Dave an’ Billy –
But noo the time hud come ti catch
The bus fur Killie.

Fur bouncers scraped him aff the flair
An’ fired him doon the Cathoose stair,
He did protest but goat naewhere,
Wee Tam thoat: “F*ck it”;
He staggered intae KFC
An’ boat a bucket.

An’ while wee Tam wis staunin’ there,
He thoat he might as weel git mare;
A zinger an’ some extra wings
He wid indulge in.
Tam took a seat, devoured the loat,
His stomach bulgin’.

But strugglin’ doon Argyle Street,
Tam, still unsteady oan his feet,
Began ti doot if sitch a banquet
Hud bin wise.
“Am fine”, he thoat, goat oan the bus
An’ shut his eyes.

Soon efter, it wis oan its way
An’ aw pair Tam could dae wis pray,
But booze an’ fid, consumed in haste,
Hud made him sicken:
He pebble-dashed the windae seat
Wi chunks eh chicken.

Oor Tam let oot a mighty chunder,
Castin’ lumps eh spew asunder;
His dreams eh pullin’ oan the bus
Wir cruelly shatturt,
As hawf digestit fid aroon’
His ankles splatturt.

Then Tam felt a faint, cauld fear
As Fenwick roon’aboot loomed near;
He thoat: “Aw Christ!”, an’ fought ti keep
Upright position,
But nothin’ could forestall
Tam’s cheesy bean emission.

Soon the bus stoapt in the station,
Much ti pair wee Tam’s elation;
Steppin’ ower his masterpiece
Eh oarange an’ yella
Yid hink he’d hud an awfa dose
Eh salmonella.

So, let this be a lesson, gid,
Ti boozers scoffin’ tons eh fid:
A ken yir hungry, but yir tum
May well feel shitey;
Mind wee Tam’s tale or you may face
The night bus whitey.

night_bus_by_ddj1985

12 thoughts on “Tam O’Chunder

  1. Lorna 😊 A very playful and cheeky poem and I love it – it’s a descriptively cautionary tale and it has invoked a quite visceral reaction in me, and in fact I’m feeling slightly queasy but in an enjoyable way if that makes sense.
    Memories of late nights out in Glasgow, or more exactly their aftermath, are assaulting me as I write 😊😊
    Not that I EVER chundered on public transportation, you understand, but I certainly witnessed it on.. um… a number of occasions. Thanks Lorna, as always, for your wonderfully evocative poetry 😊

    • Eleanor thank you! ☺️❤️ So pleased you liked it. Apologies for being away from WordPress and writing for so long and haven’t thanked for this lovely comment before now. This is me just downloading the WP app again after a huge break from writing. Watch this space…😉

  2. Hi Lorna – just to say thank you for the Tam O’Chunder poem. I was searching for something to contribute to our local Burns night celebration and when I came across your sight it was like striking gold! Funny clever and appropriate for the occasion. Your work received prolonged applause. I made sure I directed people to your site.
    Thanks again
    Nick in Edinburgh

    • Thanks so much Nick! Sorry this is me only just replying to you. I’m about to come back after a huge break from writing and have just downloaded the WP app again. It never fails to amaze me when I hear of people enjoying my work so much they want to share it with others. I feel incredibly honoured, thanks again.

  3. Hi Lorna,
    Stumbled across you works this week, and several of them featured at our Burns Supper readings this year. Absolutely hilarious! I saved Tam O’Chunder until everyone was well-stuffed and had enough (?) to drink. I don’t think you should be studying creative writing – I think you should be teaching it!! Please keep up the good work!

    • Douglas, thanks a million. Apologies for only just replying to you – just downloaded the WP app again and planning a return after a huge writing break. I’m absolutely thrilled that people enjoyed your reading of Tam! Thanks so, so much for sharing it with people. I’m dusting off my notebooks and sticking the kettle on…going to get back into writing again.

  4. Pingback: Sunday Round Up #6 | Laidig's Broadway

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